First Ride

I stood outside my house watching my breath come up in front of my face, a warm haze of vapor in a climate dominated by cold. My heart was racing nearly as fast as my brain, and my stomach felt something akin to a first date. Snow slowly fell from the sky, occasionally, enough to remind me that it's still winter, and I'm still a bit crazy.

Walking over to the bike I was running through the checklist in my mind: does my back hurt? Nope. Is my leg numb? Nope. Is my leg cramping? Nope, is that a cramp? Nope, don't think so. You sure - it might be! Nope no cramps. Walking over to the bike any number of scenarios ran through my head. My favorites:

• I would immediately find that my legs are no longer able to pedal, and the world would end
• I would start down the street only to find that the bike is falling apart under me due to neglect, and the world would end
• I would fall spectacularly on ice even with the new Nokians, and I'd have something to blog about
• It would be a normal, good, and slow ride to work

Lifting my leg over the bike I realized I probably should have stretched, but that's just fine - regardless of (constant) warning I never do. One foot on the pedal, hands on the handlebars I took a deep breath and pushed off... about as awkwardly as I did the first time I was ever on a bike, I'd imagine.

My first patch of ice greeted me about 15 seconds into the ride and all I could think was "oh awesome now I'm going to fall and never be able to bike again and break my bike all at the same time!" Problem is.. it didn't happen.

In fact, the whole way there, while painfully slow (~12-13mph average for the 5.5 mile trip) was completely and entirely uneventful. Nokians are fantastic, if terribly slow and heavy and 40psi under a guy who never runs less than 80 - but - I'll take it. Glare ice came up out of nowhere and I positioned myself for the fall, only to feel the occasional slip-n-catch of the studs. I'm a convert, and am goona ride these things until May (or.. Mid-April) even if it is slow, slow, slow going. If you want to simulate riding on gravel on.. pavement.. then pick up a set of Nokians and air 'em up to about 40psi. That will give a pretty good approximation of sound and resistance, and ya know? Kinda fun!

Anyway, great commute in, and now the car is where it should be - at the back of the parking lot at work just kind of hangin' out. Where it shall stay as a backup for the bike, rather than the opposite way around. All I can think of on this cold, dreary, wintry day is that life is good. Very, very, very good.

I've got to break free

It's going to be this week, I can feel it. As long as I'm pain free for another day or two, and numb-free.. I'm supposedly pretty much in the clear... for now. Which means cycling is back, watching everything is back, and making sure this never, ever, ever happens again is back. Or.. something?

My back injury has been a major wake-up call. Let's, you know, leave it at that without delving dark into the recesses of everything that happened before and as a result of it. It's really been a first time an injury has been caused by my weight since I was big, and made me realize I don't want to play this game. Quietly I've taken mental inventory, used the month off the bike to think, and to appreciate the times on the bike. Suffice to say, in the end, it was good. During, it was horrible.

A good reminder of why it's worth it came this past weekend. I needed some new dress shirts for work after a, ummm, "dryer mishap" ruined three. So on Sunday while out of town I hit up a retail store or two and picked up some new clothes. While driving back to my in-laws' I thought about how much of a chore it used to be to get clothes, you know, when I was Big.

Clothes are one of my guilty pleasures, I'll admit it. When I was younger, I actually shopping for clothes and being well dressed. As I got Bigger, the options narrowed and narrowed until they were limited to the Big and Tall store(s). Which meant basically I got bland looking gigantic clothes that cost a lot of money. At my biggest I was wearing a size 62 pant that barely fit (my belly flopped over the waist of them), and a 6XL or 7XL shirt - you know, limited options and stuff that essentially looks like a tent come to mind. I hated buying clothes, absolutely hated it. I'd wear stuff until it was falling apart just so I didn't have to go through the experience of going to the Big and Tall again (albeit, I'll admit, at least the staff there was nice).

Now it's nice to be able to buy off the rack in a normal store, at low prices. I bought a pair of khakis on clearance at Cabelas on Sunday, and mused to myself about how much I used to pay for khakis - Dockers fit best at size 62, and at that size 5 years ago they were $75 normally, or $65 on sale. Bland, plain, cheap polo shirts were anywhere from $40-55. If you want some hidden costs of obesity, there it is.

Really, it's all about quality of life. I've struggled with one question in my mind over the past three weeks, and it's a simple one. A simple question, but with so much behind it that defies anything I could continue to post. "Has all this been worth it?"

This morning I sat down, looked out into the gray icy, cold, snowy scape that's outside of my window and asked it once again. A smile crept up my face and the answer finally hit. However many setbacks, challenges, see-saws, "fudges" and utter failures have occurred during this journey. As many times as I've made a post saying "I'M BACK ON TRACK!!" only to fall off a day/week/month later. Or even as many times as the willpower has been utterly and completely lost. No matter how many pounds have been lost, or gained, or lost again.

Yes, yes it has. It absolutely has.

It's hard to write when you don't ride

I just realized that it's been now over a month since I've been on a bike. It's been over a month since I've been on the bike! I'd have to look back to confirm, but I'm pretty sure that since I've started this journey that's - by far - the longest stretch I've gone without even getting a recreational ride in. It's not driving me crazy. At all.

Let's face it, this winter has sucked. First Lincoln got hit with snow in volumes that I've not seen in my lifetime, then the cold to keep it here. That's cool, but I was unprepared bike wise - until the Nokians showed up. Put off putting them off for a week due to the craziness of Christmas. The day after I put 'em on.. my back screws up.

Last night my wife and I went on an impromptu date night, and whilst walking to Barnes and Noble from another store after dinner I went from feeling just normal to, well, by the time I was in B&N I needed to sit down as the whole front of my knee was completely numb. Not just that, another complication has emerged - my thigh muscle is completely devoid of any "power". Muscle flexes, looks like it's working, but there's just nothing there - I'm dragging around dead weight.

My PT says it's due to the inflamed disc pressing differently on the nerve - it's good that the pain is gone but obviously not so good that this is going on. It's not like we walked a couple miles either, more like 2 - at the most 3 - blocks. Still no bike for me, they want to consistently build space between the nerve and the disc and for now whilst the bike won't hurt, when I go back to a normal position that disc is goona bulge and start pressing on stuff.

So I'm stuck not being able to do, well, anything and really not knowing when I can. I'm almost completely off the medication and as far as I'm concerned, that's the last damn time I take any. I can't stand meds to begin with, and this has just furthered it. Prednisone made a world of difference in my back, but threw my moods off and make me puff up overnight. The Hydrocodone sure made my back feel great, but it was like being in a sea of fog. Skelaxin, I'm not sure what you did - but you DID make me loopy as heck and drool on myself.

What's next? I'm not sure. Lots of scenarios are running through my head, for the first time last night I seriously considered - in my head - what would happen if I couldn't ride again. Unfortunately after much consideration, that's not an option. I then considered the pit of self pity that I've been building on lately and realized that damn, it's gotten pretty deep. Really deep.

So now, what's next? I'm focusing on ancillary factors that are negatively impacting my life. Lookit that, it's almost a big person sentence! Anyway - I'm focusing this morning on what needs to be done so that when I do get back on the bike I can feel like I accomplished something as those first pedal strokes feel like I'm going uphill against a 50mph headwind. Maybe it's not building up miles, speed, endurance or even losing weight, but at least it's something positive that can be taken during a time where I just can't do anything.

Most of all, though, I'm formulating a plan of life in which something like this never, ever happens again.

Collateral Damage

There are so many risks to being obese that, at this point, it's really hard to quantify all of them. Yet most, myself included at one point, look at the list and go "yeah I know I'm going to die if I keep doing this". See, though, it's not just about that - you run the risk of dying no matter what you do. Obese smokers could, theoretically, live to 90 while a triathlete can drop dead tomorrow at their peak from some unknown cause. So yes, obesity will kill you - and will kill you faster than being healthy, most of the time.

But that's not what this is about.

This is about that magical quality of life. I can tell you without hesitation that my quality of life now is higher than it was when I didn't care about what I did. Sure, riding a bike a bunch is "tough", not eating crappy food is "tough", and not doing all kinds of "fun" stuff our society deems fun is "tough". However, the pleasure I get from thinking about my on-bike exploits is far beyond anything an unhealthy habit can provide.

That's still not what this is about, but we're getting closer.

My last post hit on, briefly, what's going on with me right now. Moreso what's going on is that I have a disc in my back that's inflamed and pressing on a nerve that goes down to my leg. Last weekend and most of this week, that resulted in cramping pain in my right thigh every time I walked or stood up - and boy howdy did it hurt. Not just that, but I had to sleep basically sitting up with my legs elevated, on the couch, or it hurt like that when I attempted to sleep. So for four days I was on the couch in the living room, not in my bed, attempting to get some rest. And popping pills from three different pill bottles to deal with the pain, inflammation, and cramping.

What caused all this? Repetitive minor injury to one of the discs over time caused minor ruptures in the disc, which healed themselves with scar tissue. Over time, though, there was a lot of scar tissue - and now whatever I did made it mad, essentially, to where it was inflamed and bulging from those previous injuries and pressing against that nerve. Which was, and still basically is, hugely painful.

Pain I can deal with, but the thoughts of what might happen were worse. You know, am I ever going to ride a bike again? Heck, is this that injury where I never WALK again? Add in a side order, super-sized, of guilt for doing it to myself - and you have quite the combo. It was a rough couple days.

Today, almost a week later, I'm probably 50% better. The cramps are mostly gone, but there's still some pain, and now I have numbness in that leg this morning. I'm going to Physical Therapy three times a week to get it addressed, as well as being on Prednisone and a special back pill thing. I was on hydrocodone for the pain, but it left me feeling foggy headed and not myself, so I'm done with it (took one last night, no mas).

Outside, right now, it's about 5 degrees below zero with a -20 windchill, but all I can think about is riding my bike. Or, moreso, trying not to think that maybe the last time I rode was the last time I'll ever ride. Trying not to think what other ailments are lurking and ready to strike, sins of the past that will now catch up to me in painful, debilitating ways.

Obesity will kill you, and it will kill you in extremely painful ways. It doesn't just kill you, but it kills your soul. The next time you go to McDonald's just think, is that cheeseburger worth never being able to walk again? Is that alfredo sauce really worth golden years spent in a wheelchair? I know that's all I think about, and I hope by sharing this, it will help someone else.

The pain spent to get healthy is good pain, I look fondly upon even the most painful memory of cycling while the pain I have now will be remembered as a very dark, desolate time. Does that make sense? I'm sure it doesn't because five years ago it wouldn't to me, or maybe even a month ago. Now the only thing I can think about are long gravel rides, and the peace that comes with them. Sure there's pain, but it's sure better than this.

Disc issues welcome me to 2010

Just as I was gearing up mentally for some awesome snow and ice riding on the new Nokians, yesterday a strange pain develops. My right thigh started to cramp up whenever I would be standing or walking. Sit down, went away. Keep standing - gets worse. WTH? Figured I needed to hydrate and sleep (not nearly enough of that lately).

Yeah, not much sleep last night due to loads and loads of pain, I basically found one "spot" where I could sleep but that worked long enough for me to doze off, then wake back up shortly in lots of pain. This morning I gave in and went to a local clinic that was open today, and lo and behold it's a disc issue in my back. Fun times.

Somebody's trying to send me a message. They've been trying real hard lately, and I finally get it. Time to take it easy for a couple days and hope for the best with the back (if it gets better, I'm good, if not.. let's not think about that), then get back in gear so I don't have to deal with this crap anymore.